As my mom was becoming an adult, women in my country still couldn’t have their own bank accounts nor could they vote. So how much choice did she have? She could stay under her abusive father’s control, or roll the dice on marrying a guy who had minimal red flags. They’re fine, they had kids and are still married decades later. But I can’t really say she was able to freely choose.

I am mixed on how they did as parents. I have no doubt they mostly did what they thought was the right thing. I just strongly disagree with them on some things they believed to be right. Like I wasn’t given certain vaccines as a kid, not because my parents thought they would cause autism, but because my parents thought Hep C would only be caught by drug users and sexually promiscuous people. And their kids would never.

My parents ostensibly chose each other, but it’s really more like my mother preyed upon my father. He’s a bit younger than her, not as educated, was shy and not overly ambitious, and perfect for her campaign of modeling someone into what she wanted. My aunt says he used to have a great group of buddies back in the 60s when they met, and one by one she weeded them out of his life and replaced them with people she thinks had higher social status. This tape has recycled itself routinely throughout their lives as she discards someone and finds someone new to glom onto for a while and try and be them. She has him totally under her thumb, and she’s a vicious monster who regards other humans like furniture she rearranges.

People didn’t know much about borderline personality disorder in the 60s when they met, and he’s too shy and unable to defend himself, and while they do squabble, she always wins. He has very little insight into how toxic she is, and goes along with all her psychotic shit, like how nobody can use a bathmat and you can just slip and slide on the wet floor, or how you can’t keep the toaster or kettle on the counter and have to put it immediately back in the cupboard burning hot, because her narcissism means everything has to look like a museum.

He dated some woman before her, just a girl really, who was chubby I guess, and my mother spent one dinner with extended family joyfully insulting this woman, who he last laid eyes upon probably 40 years prior, and asking him repeatedly with vicious gleeful delight if he remembered “the ball”, meaning this chubby girl. My spouse wanted to clock her in the teeth. We were all just kind of numb to her behavior then and tried to ignore it, but not long after I awoke to who she really was and haven’t seen them since. It’s sad, but she regards me as a piece of lost property really, and I don’t think there’s a good enough therapist in the world to wake him up to how dangerous she is.

My parents chose each other. My mother chose my father to get away from her mother.

My father is an only child who isn’t used to not getting his own way. If you had asked me 30 years ago, I would have said she’d eventually divorce him or murder him.

For a long time, he’d leave her alone so he could go out and ride his motorcycle, and she was miserable because she was stuck at home alone.

Now he’s too old to ride so he’s home all the time. He’s definitely crossed into “elderly”, and he’s having serious health issues. He’s depressed because he thought he’d be young forever, and he can’t accept the reality. He won’t do anything to improve his situation. He just sits around saying he’d rather be dead. So now my mom is miserable because she’s stuck at home with him.

Despite all that and the hostility they’ve expressed to each other over the years, I’d say they are perfect for each other.

They chose one another, and are toxic af. They argued constantly, my mom physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me all my childhood and still tries.

Shortly after I was born, my dad bought a small adobe house 18 miles from town, it had 1 pull string light and one plug socket in each room. There was no bathroom, and no indoor plumbing when we moved into it. My mom grew up in NYC and could not cope with this. Everything my dad did he did for the betterment of the family, my mother saw anything not directly for her as a slight against her.

The fighting and abuse got so bad I used to try to get my dad together with my friends with single mothers moms.

Mom mother finally moved out of the house a few years ago. It has been the best thing for their relationship.

They chose each other and they’re good people.

My wife asked my mom what made her decide to marry my dad - which is something I never thought to ask - and my mom said that nobody else asked her. They’ve been together now for 49 years or something.

My mom chose all four of her husbands, leaving each one for the next - except for the last, who she was with until he died of Alzheimer’s.

After my mom, my dad married a woman he’s been with since. They’re perfect for each other.

According to my mom, her last husband was “the one.” She was with him longer than the other three, combined, and by all accounts they were good happy together. I didn’t know him that well; they married long after I’d left home and was moving around the world living my own life.

I wonder if people who freely choose their partners have less toxic families… 🤔

Hahahahahahahahahaha… No.

My parents chose each other. My father is an awful uneducated narcissist snd my mother is deep down a good person who was a terrible parent because she was similarly uneducated and lived in fear of everything and looked only to religion for answers. It sucked. I have boatloads of mental health issues snd resentment about it all. A lot of the time I wish I had just been aborted.

My mother chose my father. Toxic relationship, divorced in two years.

My mother chose my stepfather. Wholesome relationship, still married some dozen years later.

My parents chose each other. They’re both good people, but they weren’t a good match at all and none of us were especially surprised when they divorced.

The Mrs and I chose each other, and while it would be arrogant to assert that we’re definitely a good match I get the impression that my kids would be shocked if we split.

The structural key to a happy marriage is, I think, the freedom to leave. If my parents had split when I was a kid they’d probably have a better relationship. But because of economics and law and pride they didn’t, which made the pain last way longer than it should have.

People actually do arranged marriages. Wow.

They chose each other all right, an undiagnosed autist in denial raised with backwards Ukrainian village values (dad) and a narcissist (I suspect slightly retarded, in a medical sense, too) raised by pretty irresponsible parents who’d tell her how smart she is instead of teaching her something (mom).

And they wouldn’t be such a bad combination, if my dad hadn’t moved from a technical to a management position at some point, which affected his mental state negatively, and if my mom weren’t anywhere near opportunities to worsen her narcissism (stupid conspirologic books helping her feel herself very smart, books on psychology, such stuff).

deleted by creator