Hi! I’m also a lady with au/ADHD.

Ella is a twat. Having a disability/handicap does excuse dehumanizing someone else. She can be hateful with her parents if she really wants, but don’t tolerate that shit.

She’s on a slippery slope for a larger part of society to start dehumanizing her based on her diagnosis/identity, too. Glass houses, I guess. 💅

On a slightly related note, some kid I went to school with constantly got away with touching girls inappropriately because he blamed it on his ADHD. He gleefully kept getting away with it. It was absolutely disgusting. He graduated and ended up going to prison a couple years later. Turns out, “it was my ADHD!” is not a viable defense in the real world! 🤡

No. Autism is not a reason to be a bigot. Maybe the “lashes out” could be explained by sensory sensitivity (depending on the scenario and what you mean by “lashing out”), but that doesn’t excuse bigotry.

Edit: also, what makes you say she is “mentally younger”? Autism and ADHD don’t stunt maturity in and of themselves

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Behavior like this is corrected by people letting you know that it’s not okay. If you let it slide it will continue. I’m not saying you need to jump down her throat or whatever, but her parents have clearly failed to correct it (and probably encourage it). So your choice is to either accept it and defend her to everyone she alienates or to politely suggest that it’s not okay and if she’s not willing to change that you don’t want to be around people who act like that. This shit only flies because no one has imposed consequences for this hateful behavior. I don’t care how mentally developed she is, anyone can understand that hating others for who they are is bad.

Autism or not, this isn’t an acceptable way to behave. You should be firm and tell her that she is wrong. I don’t know about cutting contact but for sure that can be an option if she doesn’t change. You don’t need homophobic transphobic people in your life.

Not aiming this at you but: when did it become socially unacceptable to condemn / chastise people with ADHD / autism when they say or do unacceptable things? This only emboldens them to do worse things.

Also:

so this one girl, i’ll call her ella

Laughs in Spanish

My brother in laws little sibling is pretty autistic and has a history of being semi-trans-not-understanding…? He saw someone who is a trans male and started HRT a few months ago (i.e. does not fully pass yet) and when he saw the trans man and was told that he was a man he said “but he looks like a girl…?”

for context my brother in law is ALSO trans and has been fully out and passing for like 5 years (beard n all), so he should’ve understood what it was like for ‘trans man’ to be like his brother.

He’s done this with a nonbinary person too, but tbf most people don’t understand how nonbinary works without autism.

What I’m trying to say here is that there’s a difference between hate and not understanding. Sounds like the person you’re talking about is being hateful, so have no shame in cutting contact.

Also if you don’t feel comfortable with someone you don’t need an excuse to yourself to justify leaving.

Is there a reason you have to interact with this person? It seems like if you’re in a situation where her response comes with an LOL, your best course might be just to not engage. If you’re in a position of responsibility with teaching her how to interact then gently repeating that respecting how someone would like to be addressed is probably warranted, even if it doesn’t seem terribly effective the first (many) times.

Cutting someone slack doesn’t mean letting them go on behaving badly, it means understanding they need help to behave better.

Just tell her autism doesn’t exist and that she’ll never hold a job, go on a date, or play baseball.

/s

Part of growing up is challenging the ideas you got from your parents and learning to treat people with the respect you’d like them to use with you. If she wants to continue being friends she needs to do this part of growing up.

Eh, even with that she should still understand consequences. I’d give her long time outs. Next time she does say that you are offended, and need time away. Start with a couple of days. When she does it again make it a week no contract. Make sure she knows its because she was mean and you don’t want to be around mean people. Hold firm during that time.

I don’t like just saying one and done, give them a chance to change their ways. Even with autism that is informing them that they were offensive, and that there are consequences to that. It’s their cross to bear, and I think that’s being very generous in helping them learn that.

she’s guilty, mental illness doesn’t mean total inability, they can learn and they should have empathy

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she also gets mad when i call a trans man “he” and says “SHE’S A GIRL EVEN THO SHE LOOKS LIKE A MAN LOL”

Wait so you do this or she does this? I’m assuming it’s her?

I think you have to decide who you want to hang out with. Do you hang out with people a lot younger. If not why? Im guessing likely because they are immature, no?