• 0 Posts
  • 11 Comments
Joined 2 years ago
cake
Cake day: July 13th, 2023

help-circle



  • They STILL don’t get it? Everyone has been yelling about exactly what would happen. The news, social media, people protesting in the streets… even Fox News is critical of the Tariffs now. Journalists are bringing it up at White House press conferences and getting reaponses from the Press Secretary. This is not a secret. What sort of social bubble/echo chamber, do these people live in? Just fully bought in to the kool-aid. Useful idiots, the lot of them!


  • Like I said, I tried A. My foster son couldn’t make the distinction between A and B. And when we didn’t just allow the sex, to him, we were implementing C. So he Bagan to sneak around instead. Every kid is different. You need to tailor your response to your child. But, having tried A and it not turning out great, and C being abhorrent, B seems like the healthiest all around way to me, whatever you may think about my home as a result.


  • I don’t know why you’re making analogies to alcohol like they are the same thing. Not for the least of which because you will also need to make those decisions about alcohol AS WELL as about sex. But alcohol is, in itself, destructive, especially to sound decision making. Sex doesn’t have to be. And having a healthy mindset about sex from the start means they become better more healthy sexual partners earlier, something many people never become. And yes, she faces more direct consequences if a pregnancy happens, but so long as both of them are consenting, and her parents are aware and consenting as well, that is her decision to risk it and not your job to keep her from making that decision. And it doesn’t mean you are operating a brothel in your house You’re providing a modicum of safety and trust that they won’t have otherwise even as they continue to have sex anyway.

    Edit: Just to be clear. I’ve tried your approach. We fostered a 16 year old boy. I was required to not outright allow him to have sex with his girlfriend by the state who he is ultimately the ward of. We provided him with condoms, talked about safe sex but told him that that was NOT the same as him being allowed to have sex, especially in our home. How well so you think that went? He tried on a few occasions, even used the condoms like he should, but I still had to shut it down. It was a massive fight and no one was happy with the arrangement. You think they’re not mature enough to make smart decisions… how mature do you have to be to understand your parents preparing you for sex, giving you condoms but then telling you not to have sex and scolding you for doing it in your home. He just couldn’t understand that. Maybe your kid, one your raised from birth, could, but that was simply incomprehensible to our foster son. My point is, you don’t know until you have been there, and, in my experience, your method didn’t work.


  • That is simply not true. Not for all states in the US, anyway. There are many states where the age difference between the consenting sexual partners matters in relation to statutory rape laws. Almost half of states, actually. For example, in Indiana the age of consent is 16, so a 16 year old may consent to sex with anyone who is 16 years old or older. However, Indiana also has a Romeo and Juliet law that exempts one from statutory rape laws for uncoerced consenting partners that are at least 14 years old and no more than 4 years apart in age. So an 18 year old and a 14 year, or 19 year old and 15 year old may consent to sex legally in Indiana despite the age of consent being 16. I just looked it up and 24 of 50 states have such laws with different allowed age differences and minimum age. So this is not uncommon at all in the US.


  • As you said, the sex is going to happen anyway. So you have to consider it like this… would you rather A) you make it easy for him, maintain trust and inclusion in his life decisions, can make sure that he has condoms and know that he is using them appropriately, and, if something like a pregnancy, STD, or social challenges happen, you will know asap and can help navigate that situating with them. Or B) you make it hard for them (so they have maybe half as much sex if you’re lucky), you become an obstacle and make it clear that he can’t discuss his sex life with you without fearing punishment, leave it up to a teenager to afford and provide his own condoms and use them appropriately without instruction, and when something like a pregnancy, STD or social stigma happens to them, you will have no idea until the problem is too big to hide anymore.

    Frankly, I would choose A. But that’s me.


  • First, decide for yourself if you are okay with your son having sex in your home because the likelihood of that is high. Second, if you are okay with that, call her parents to validate that they actually agreed to allow her to stay. If they did agree, you might also check with them on if she is taking birth control or has an IUD or something. If they didn’t agree to this whole thing you have an honesty issue to sort out before you can trust your teen to have safe sex… not that you will ultimately stop them/him if they are motivated enough, so be aware of that and take steps to prepare him regardless. This is not him asking for your permission to have sex. This is your notice that he will be sexually active very soon if he isnt already.

    If you do choose to allow it and her parents are okay with it as well, the FIRST thing you should do is talk to your son. I will elaborate below on some of the things that definitely need to be covered now that sex is not some theoretical future, but something almost certainly about to happen. But you should also sit them both down and lay out your expectations about respect and honesty with each other, about respect and honesty with you and your spouse and her parents, about remaining within the bounds of the law (it may be silly that two consenting near adults can have sex but can’t share nudes photos, but that is the law, and breaking that law has ruined lives), about remaining safe, and let them know that you are here for them should they screw something up and there are consequences to their choice to have sex. You may think this will kill the mood for them, but they are teenagers… I promise the mood will strike again quickly enough. Then I would take her aside without him and let her know that even if he is your son, if she in any way feels pressured or uncomfortable or if he overstep a boundary (that she should be setting) that she can come talk to you and that you expect him to be a good partner and will give him consequences should be not be.

    So as for your one on one talk with your son, remind/inform him of a few things regarding pregnancy prevention… even if she is/says she is on birth control, 1) even when used properly it is not 100% effective, 2) if she missed a single non-sugar pill in the last week or so or took it too late, then she is not currently safe, 3) mistakes happen like that all, she may not even be aware she made a mistake, and she may not be entirely honest about it if she did, or she may be lying about taking it altogether, so… he also needs to take responsibility for his own part in preventing pregnancy and wear a condom for that reason and others.

    Then you pivot into STD talks. While it is nice to trust that she is a virgin if she claims it, he should treat every single new sex partner as a vector of disease until he knowd they are tested negative. And even then be aware that people do cheat or contract diseases from other vectors as well, like needles, blood transfusion, oral transfer, etc. so he should still be cautious and use protection. And on that note, oral sex is sex, as is anal sex, and is just as likely to transfer disease. The ONLY way to significantly decrease likelihood of contracting or giving your sexual partner a new disease is with a male or female condom. And then you have to teach about proper use of a condom, i.e. how to apply it, pinching the reservoir tip as you do so, replacing them between position changes, never “double wrapping”, etc. And make sure he has a supply of new untampered with condoms himself, not relying on her to provide them, and make sure they are not damaged from being in his pocket or wallet for weeks before use.

    Then there is the subject of consent and the fact that consent can be revoked at any time and for any reason. No means no, no matter what. Tell him that he should not challenge a no, pressure her, or badger her about it. And he can and should also set boundaries for himself, say no when he doesn’t want to do something, and stand firm when he has not given consent to something.

    Go over how to be a good partner that is present and pays attention to non-verbal cues and cares about their experience. If she is inexperienced, he should be very careful about managing any potential pain and check in with her if she doesn’t seem to be enjoying it. If either of them isn’t enjoying it, they should stop, and discuss it. Maybe they should just give it time, maybe they should try something different. Either way, they should collaborate as they are partners in this experience.

    If the worst should happen and she gets an unwanted pregnancy, or someone picks up a new STD, let them know that you guys can deal with it together, however you may. But your biggest expectation is that they do not hide it. They need to let you (and/or you spouse and/or her parents) know asap so that whatever Healthcare decisions need to be made are made in a timely manner.

    I think that about covers it. Good luck!