For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I’ve never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It’s sentimental.
I don’t like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It’s perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don’t like new things.
We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?
Care to provide a source for that? Gift-giving and receiving is cultural and people are free to not conform.
OP didn’t refuse the gift because they don’t understand feelings. They refused it because it was expensive, unnecessary, and replaced something they still preferred - and living together means they couldn’t pretend otherwise. That’s a practical decision, not a sign of autism.
Just running a web search for “ASD gift disappointment” gives a ton of articles, not necessarily the exact situation OP is in, but it’s enough to say that I think it’s a common thing.
Also, I think having difficulty conforming to a culture is another thing ASD folks have, no? It’s acceptable to not conform, of course, not saying otherwise.
It’s not an indicator of autism, full stop. OP is not having “difficulty” conforming to culture. OP received a gift that didn’t hit the mark - their spouse is free to try again and make it a nice gift for them.
OP can’t stealthily return it and there are likely financial considerations in addition to their personal preference of not wanting new things that directly replace things that they are content with.
OP’s spouse has preferences for gifts they will accept. Why is OP seen as being potentially diseased for also having them?
The way you say “potentially diseased” is pretty rude. That’s not how I view folks with ASD. All of this is because someone who has ASD and thought OP was going through something similar. I have ADHD. If I saw someone speaking about one of the pivotal moments that led to me getting a diagnosis I might say to them “have you may considered you have ADHD and sought a diagnosis?”
What else does saying somebody’s behavior is loosely abnormal and strongly pushing them to get professionally diagnosed really mean if not “potentially diseased”? They literally suggested that it may be autism, something they couldn’t possibly know about someone based on an online interaction.
I’m somebody who is on the spectrum too and I personally believe that autism is a normal difference or neurodivergence - with specific qualities, associated challenges, and diagnostic criteria. I don’t believe that OP’s reaction and behavior fits in this instance.
That’s totally fair that you don’t think it fits, but I don’t think the other user was out of line for suggesting it might.
I feel that suggesting diagnosis is warranted if OP suggested that they might need that level of help and support, suspected autism themselves and was forward about that, or was otherwise having a difficulty commonly associated with the standard diagnostic criteria of autism e.g. OP was having sensory issues.
Neurodiversity is not disease and I do not appreciate that implication at all. Please educate yourself on the topic before you embarrass yourself and the rest of us further. This was profoundly ignorant and hurtful.
I explained my position very clearly below your comment, but I do believe you are pathologizing normal behavior as being diseased or disordered, yes. You are free to clarify your position and argue with mine here where it makes sense contextually: https://slrpnk.net/post/30279460/19186026 I provided reasoning both in the comment you chose to respond to and in others. Feel free to understand my position before mischaracterizing it.
Here are the specific quotes from me clarifying my position and understanding of neurodiversity: “I’m somebody who is on the spectrum too and I personally believe that autism is a normal difference or neurodivergence - with specific qualities, associated challenges, and diagnostic criteria. I don’t believe that OP’s reaction and behavior fits in this instance.”
And: “Disclaimer: I am autistic myself and I am a neurodiversity advocate. My point here is not to criticize other autistic people, but to highlight that framing OP’s normal, context-driven behavior as evidence of a disorder is medicalizing and pathologizing something that is very likely ordinary and rational human behavior.”
I don’t block people. But you called autism “diseased” and there is no arguing your way back from that. Being on spectrum does not absolve you of being a toxic, hateful, ignorant bigot. You are welcome to your opinions and even to disagree, but what you have done here was deliberate, despicable, and antisocial. I hope you have a good day and learn to grow and do better, but I’ve tagged you as a warning to myself and won’t be responding to you again.
False. You responded well after I responded in detail to another commenter - you are projecting your behavior onto me (which I described very plainly and bluntly). Not accepting gifts in the way you approve of or find acceptable is not part of the diagnostic criteria of autism and the person did not solicit your online diagnosis and speculation in any way.
Edit: I’m specifically arguing that autism is a normal difference. My first comment in the thread I specifically argued against the notion that OP exhibited irregular behavior from another commenter.
My position has been consistent, but I did use “disease” terminology to describe what the behavior (that I perceived as pathologizing or stereotyping) was suggesting. The person I was responding to was free to clarify that they meant “disordered” specifically, but still saw OP’s behaviors as being very likely autistic. A careful eye would see I use disease and disorder terminology interchangeably in a very specific context and that I personally believe autism is a normal difference or neurodivergence. Many do not share my views on neurodiversity - and in retrospect I would’ve used “disorder”; which is consistent with the wording the poster I’m responding to used.
Never once have I suggested to another that something they do is autistic or even loosely abnormal - especially if they have not shared a diagnosis with me and weren’t asking me for help due to a specific difficulty they were going through.
I believe that what is considered normal behavior is something that gatekept frequently by many, including those in the autism community. A great deal of people believe that autism is a profound deficit and some have argued to me online that neurodiversity is a harmful view on disabling conditions and disincentivizes people to get help - so I’m careful to reveal my views on this subject. I don’t think autism is a superpower like some and I recognize the struggle because I am on the spectrum. I want people to get the help they need.
I have personally been traumatized many times over by people suggesting I might have autism in inappropriate ways. It has felt like discrimination and likely was to some degree at times. It was at the very least stigmatizing. I want to be seen as normal and I want others to be encouraged to feel that way too. I did not use disease terminology to be a “toxic, hateful, ignorant bigot”. I did not intend on smearing the person above me in the chain, either.
The line between a disease and disorder is blurred, but disorder is more sensitive terminology even if I don’t personally see autism as a disease or a disorder and see both terminologies as equally as harmful - especially in this context. See this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disease#Disorder and the initial explanation of what is a disease here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disease
I just want to point out that it’s a very difficult for an adult to just go get an autism diagnosis. It is an incredibly expensive, scarce, and emotionally exhaustive process. If OP was specifically asking for advice on how to proceed with seeking an autism diagnosis because of relationship issues they personally identified to be likely due to their autism or neurodivergence, I would’ve had no issues with what occurred.
I believe autism or neurodivergence is something one personally identifies with. This ideally can happen with a well-intentioned mental health professional who has observed that person in great detail, understanding their development and functioning intimately - following diagnostic criteria to diagnose and sharing that diagnosis responsibly - not by just throwing around suspicions irresponsibly or stereotyping behaviors from brief online posts or non-clinical interaction.